July 16, 2017:
Hola! Where does the time go, Geez Louise! Half summer is already gone, and I am first now updating this from last December, tsk tsk. Bad Jan! So, been busy puttering around the yard, as always, and paying more attention than I probably should be to politics. The kitchen "remodel" is on hold due to budgetary constraints, but I hope to have that remedied before the end of the year. And I have yet to paint the guest room - it's only been 3 years now since I moved in to this version of Maison Newton, I'm not lazy or anything, nope... LOL! Take care and have a great rest of the summer. Jan

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Finale: I Nearly Strangled Myself With A Duvet Cover

In order to get the full impact of this mega-drama, please check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Today, my third official day into retirement, I decided to iron the smutty duvet cover and get the job finished!  Come hook or crook, I wanted to get that Ikea duvet cover on my bed.

And so, off came the comforter, off came the sheets, off came the mattress cover. Never one to leave well enough alone, and since it hasn't been done since last July, I decided to flip over the mattress to see if I can temporarily erase sleeping in a crater (my poor back).  Oh brother.  Note to Self:  Must budget for new mattress set.

Heaved and shoved and pushed and pulled.  Let me tell you - this top mattress, it's no light-weight, ugh!  Finally, get it upright off the bed.


Notice where the arrow is:


Close up of arrow:


Facing the head of the bed from the foot, that arrow had been on the lower right hand corner...

More shoving and heaving of heavy mattress, I got my work-out!  Half-way to the goal line:


After much more heaving and shoving, I got the mattress turned around the corner to the other side of the bed!  But before I could get a decent picture of it, it started sliding downward -- OOOOHHHH NOOOOO!


I quick grabbed my camera and then tried to stablize the mattress - didn't work!  But I got this blurry photo of the turn arrow as I desperately gave it a yank with one arm and a swift kick with my my right leg (picture a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle move).  Notice its position now as it is falling, falling, falling onto the bed -- when finally settled, the arrow was in the upper left hand corner!  Success!  The mattress was turned 180 degrees.  Is this the stuff top blogs are made of, or what!

Having successfully turned the mattress without breaking anything (on me or in the boudoir), I turned my attention to the smutty duvet cover.  I had rolled it up and stashed it in a drawer in the guest bedroom dresser (mondo storage, that dresser).  Whipped it out and unrolled it.  A little wrinkled, but not too bad.  Still, I was cautious.  I put up the ironing board and fired-up the steam iron.  I realize now I should have swiffered the floors before I ironed the duvet cover.  Oops.  It acted as a dust magnet and sucked up every single bit of dust in the den (where said ironing board hides in its other life).  Crap!  So I now had a partially ironed and loaded-with-dust-balls duvet cover, but I trudged on ever forward.  Got the lint brush out and gave my aching left arm yet another work-out.

And then the real fun began -- wrestling the Jacquelyn Smith comforter into the smutty duvet cover!!!  How on earth will this:


Fit into this!



I've already written more than enough about all the huffing, puffing, fluffing and stuffing I did.  Suffice to say, I did much more of the same.  But eventually, I arrived at a product that, from a distance, looks not too bad:


'ts wrinkly -- the thing is nearly impossibly to iron properly - far too large for a standard ironing board and despite the valiant efforts of my steam iron, I ironed in as many wrinkles as I managed to partially iron out.  As you can see, most of the middle was missed, LOL! And the back pillow covers, oh my!  So floppy, sloppy and sad looking. Well, at least tonight I'll be sleeping on my red satin pillow cases (another buying mistake), woo woo!  Those, I did not iron, and I think they look best of all, crisply folded and creased as they are, right out of the linen closet.    

So, tell me darlings, how on earth does Ikea manage to get their bed duvets looking EVER OH SO SMOOTH, GLOSSY AND SILKY in their ads and on their website, heh?  Do they iron them on top of the bed???  OHMYGODDESS, maybe they do!

BTW, I still see shadow lines of Jacquelyn Smith's toile print underneath TWO layers of white cheapness -- do you see it?  Well, it's true, sad to say. You get what you pay for. And sometimes even when you pay a lot, you still get crap.  Next life I'm coming back as a billionaire bitch (the human kind).  

The red is pretty for Valentine's Day.  After that, its so gone...

Bottom line:  If you can't stand the wrinkles, don't look in a mirror.  Or something like that.

Postscript:  While I was earlier busy fluffing, huffing and puffing, the ceiling medallion that I put up to cover the opening where the too large (and too low for my new bed) ceiling fan had been decided to let go and plunked down on my head, Ouch!


Do you think it's a sign???


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