RIDICULOUS!

I have several rants today, so I'm getting right to it!

10 Pants Every Woman Should Own
From Glamour
First of all, women wear slacks, not pants.  Men wear trousers.

Secondly, the average wearer of the "pants" featured in the article is about 17 - except for the office worker who is advised to have an "office appropriate" pair of slim ankle "pants" and a pair of "classic pumps" that look in the photo like spiked heel platforms.  Yeah, right.  Real professional looking.  Can you say HOOKER?  Any female where I work who showed up in such an outfit would be sent home - not fit to be seen by clients.  What are the people at Glamour smoking these days, geez!

Thirdly, does Glamour intend to write itself into oblivion by catering to the teenaged set?  Get a clue, Glamour: they don't give a shit about your magazine, and neither do most 20-somethings whom, I believe, are your actual target market.  Glamour is an old, has-been rag trying to stay pathetically youthful forever.  It ain't gonna work, Glamour.  You are doomed.  You could have aged gracefully with the babyboomers but - well, that's water under the bridge, darlings.  You won't ever get them back now - you have a reputation among them as nothing but a trash sex advice magazine written by fake people who know nothing about what it really takes to make a relationship work for 20/30/40 or 50 plus years. 

Anti-aging tips from Redbook.  Another magazine desperately trying for the advertising dollars of the 20-somethings.  Give it up already, they don't read you.  All those women who answer your silly surveys are LYING ABOUT THEIR AGES, you dummies!  Don't you KNOW that?  Geez. 

Did you really think that by using a photo of Demi Moore in the article that it would make it appealing to us "women of a certain age" (whispered, with a shudder, rather like "He Who Must Not Be Named." Demi Moore these days looks anorexic and the hippy hair belongs on someone 25 years younger.  Not exactly conducive to convincing those (whisper, shudder) "women of a certain age" to pay attention.  Oh, her again.  Sigh. 

There are so many things ridiculously wrong and just downright stupid in your "advice" that I hardly know where to begin.  Here are a few lowlights:

-- Shimmery eyeshadow on "crepey" eyelids?  REALLY?  I MEAN, FRIGGING REALLY? Shown on the eyelids of an 18 year old, of course!  Did you get your make-up advise from the guy who used to make up Bela Lugosi?  Google it...

-- Use a creamy black eye liner pencil and draw a line OUT TO THEREEEEEEEE....... you know, like Cleopatra eyes.  Oh puLEASE!  Any kind of eyeliner or shadow in a "cream" is going to smear and crawl up into those crepey eyelids, darlings - trust me - I speak from experience!    Again, make-up advice for someone who wants to look like a freak or is, like, 12 years old.

--  Cream blush -- see comment above.

And, possibly the worst possible piece of advice from yet another article:
How to Reduce Darkness Under Your Eyes with Zinc Oxide
SCRUB SCRUB SCRUB that skin, girls.  That's right, the article recommends SCRUBBING AWAY WITH AN EXFOLIATING WASH, and be sure to scrub that delicate undereye area where the offending dark circles are, because this will magically banish the accumulated "puffiness and pooled blood."  Yeah.  Right.  And give you permanent wrinkles well before your 20th birthday if you follow this excruciatingly STUPID advice.    And after you've done that, be sure to RUB IN plenty of zinc oxide all over the offending area -- but don't get it in your eyes, it could burn. 

This was worse than another bit of ridiculousness I read elsewhere (alas, I did not keep the url, probably a good thing) about "opening up" your eyes by using copious amounts of blue mascara on your lower lashes.  Probably the woman I saw on the bus this morning followed this advice, except she didn't have dark blue smudges all over the top of her cheek bones and flecks of dried mascara cascading down her face - she had BLACK dried mascara flecks all over her face and smudges like a football player on the tops of her cheekbones.  Along with her obviously out of the box black hair, she looked - exactly like the racoon such make-up (and hair color too, no doubt) were designed to banish forever and ever!

Finally, a woman who got famous by writing a best selling book telling other woman HOW NOT TO LOOK OLD passed away at 58.  The article said - as if this is the highest paeon of praise "She was 58 but looked perennially 49." I am sorry for her family's loss but I just cannot muster up much sympathy for someone who would write a book and steal money from desperate women by selling it to them.  When did it become a fucking sin in this country to be OLD?  I mean, really?  Like 1950's style Babuskha OLD?  Or just someone oh, say over 50, who can be kicked to the curb now in the economic downturn with no recourse for age discrimination, even though everyone and her grandmother knows that's what is happening.  Charla Krupp, why didn't you ever write a book to help THEM?